Most of us have heard the saying, “Love is patient, love is kind…”. But is this always true? Is it true when your partner leaves their dirty clothes beside the bed even though the hamper is only 2 feet away? Or, when you get into an argument and your partner completely shuts you out and won’t speak to you for hours/days? How about when you and your partner have not had sex for weeks, months, or for some couples even years? Is love, still patient and kind when there is discord in the relationship? According to research, most couples will struggle with discord for 6 years before seeking help for their relationship. WOW! 6 years! That is a long time to struggle in a relationship.
John Gottman is considered one of the foremost experts in Couples Therapy and has conducted research for nearly four decades on all facets of relationships. In fact, using his research methods, John believes he can predict with at least 90% accuracy whether a couple will break up or not. One technique he uses to measure a relationships ‘healthiness’ is The Four Horsemen. For some, you will recognize this as this biblical prophecy as the four horsemen of the apocalypse and might wonder “how does this apply to my relationship?” Just like the 4 horsemen bring about the end of times (end of the world), the 4 horsemen will bring about the end of a relationship and can predict early divorce. Gottman’s 4 horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
Criticism is when you have a complaint about your partner, and we all have these! Instead of addressing the behaviour that is bothersome, you up the ante and make it personal about your partner. You attack your partner’s character and throw blame on them. Instead of it being “I’m upset that you did not clean the bathroom, and we agreed to take turns”, it becomes “What’s wrong with you? Why do I have to do everything around the house? You just don’t care!”. This first horsemen is very common in relationships but it does not spell disaster for the relationship. Couples can learn to turn their criticisms into complaints. The concern with criticism is, if it is left unchecked it paves the way for the other far deadlier horsemen.
Contempt is the most poisonous of the horsemen. Contempt conveys disgust with the relationship. It manifests as sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, hostile humor, etc. It is extremely difficult to resolve relationship issues when your partner is receiving the message that you are disgusted with them. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than reconciliation.
Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. The message you are conveying is “The problem isn’t me, it’s really you!” Defensiveness just ups conflict and is the reason why it is also so poisonous to a relationship. Becoming defensive while in conflict is an easy behaviour to fall into. The reason why defensive is problematic is we tend to tune out what our partner is saying and begin using excuses, blame, and not taking responsibility for our actions in the conflict.
At this point, some might think criticism, contempt and defensiveness progress in a nice linear fashion. This just isn’t the case. They are like leaves on a windy day, blowing around, intermingling with each other at various different points. They weave back and forth between each other and only when, or if, the wind (conflict) dies down do they settle.
The final horseman is Stonewalling. It often shows up later in relationship after continual relationship discord. Stonewalling is about disengaging from your partner, tuning them out. The stonewaller typically conveys they couldn’t care less about what you’re saying (often looking down or away), if they are even listening at all. The negativity created by criticism, content and defensiveness becomes so overwhelming that stonewalling becomes an “out”.
What can be done about the horsemen? For each horseman there is an antidote. Turn that criticism into a complaint. Make a request that communicates positive emotions and needs. Appreciate and respect your partner’ point of view rather than giving into contempt. Take ownership for your actions in the relationship discord rather than being defensive. And finally, learn self-soothing techniques to combat when you’re feeling overwhelmed and want to “check out” from your partner. Trained professionals can help and guide couples through each of these horsemen and find more proactive solutions to relationship discord. At Comfy Couch Psychology we have a therapist trained in Gottman Couples Therapy to help. Reach out to us! Don’t go years struggling when help can be as easy as sending an email and booking an appointment! Email info@comfycouchpsych.com
Jessica McDonald
Registered Psychologist